Gang Violence and Ignorant White People...

..... I'm caucasian, white,well not really white, more of an eggshell with a dab of peach I guess. Anyway, I'm ashamed right now, not cuz I'm white or off-white, but because I'm a human being and human beings are fucking ignorant sometimes!

Sorry, but I saw a most heartbreaking documentary, very well done, on LA gang violence.

One picture sticks in my brain. This really really cute African American black boy, well not really black, kinda walnut brown with a dab of cocoa, anyway he was the cutest thing and all he wanted to do was be a boyscout and white ignorance wouldn't let him. Soon there was nothing a nice African American boy could do to explore life and his capabilites. Police brutality and discrimation beat him down. His beautiful big white smile became quenced and discouragement set in. Gang violence was born because of hate and racism and a human heart that longed to belong and be accepted and loved.

Satan won this battle so far. I pray God makes a way for love to reign and hearts to mend and all people to really and truly be equal. I pray for a way of escape and I pray for a way to forgive one another for the hate that leads the path for all mankind's destruction.

We all need to wake up and go to Home Depot and look at paint samples and all the colors out there, then we need to go home and put on a pot of coffee and some music and some smiles and have a paint party. Love, its just around the corner, hurry, run and get some!

God forgive us for the hate. Love, Beauty

Contempt

I won in my contempt trial on Friday. My ex tried to put me in jail for contempt because I did not get his name off of the mortgage and car. I couldn't. Long story short, Judge found me not-guilty.

I am so pleased to know that sometimes the judicial system actually does bring justice.

Well gotta get to class. Will write more about it later.

Have a beautiful day!

Something in The Way She Moves.....

or Not! I'm suppose to be moving but when it rains it pours damn it!

So, now closing is being held up because of bond money issues.

I'm half moved and half depressed but making my way back.

I was hoping to find all my missing socks for the past 5 years but have not found them which only confirms my suspicion that there is a sock fairy somewhere out there who has a collection of sock monkeys to die for!

Dust! Oiy! Everywhere and I vacuum most everyday! Where the hell is Horton to hear a Who in my world? There must be galaxies of whos in this house!

I stopped to pick some lilacs off my bush outside and they smell so good!

I had cried my eyes out for days and I'm all cried out for now. I feel more surfacing though.

I liked that movie with Diane Keaton "Somethings Gotta Give", she had fallen in love and cried and cried when Jack Nicholson rejected her for someone half her age. She wrote a play about it and coincidentally I am writing a play too!

But not about my failed relationship with an ex boyfriend. Something different. And I am enjoying it.

Well gotta get dressed. Its so cold outside and I wanted to wear a dress today.

Don't you just love summer dresses, the kind you can just slip on and go barefoot in and feel breezy all day! Too cold for that. Time to dig in the closet again, well what's left in the closet anyway as I continue to move....

The Shack

My neighbor, Jane, was excited to tell me this morning about a book called "The Shack". I had heard about it through another friend but have not read it yet.

Jane had clipped an article out of the newspaper on the author telling how God had turned his book, that was intended to be a legacey written only for his children, into a number one bestseller touching people's lives.

I pondered the awesomeness of a God who would turn a man's life around in blessed ways and I wondered if and when it would happen to me.

I've sought God my whole life. I've seen it all. I've heard it all and I've expereinced some awesome things that only God above could know or do; however here I am again in a sea of doubt.

I sold my home finally, and I'm not being foreclosed on now which is a good thing, but I did not get but $200.00 in equity from it and that makes me sad in a new hardship. You see I planned on using that equity to pay off my Trailblazer which my exhusband left me upside down on. It's a long story and I dont' want to repeat it but now I'm facing contempt charges for not getting his name off of these loans. I couldn't qualify to refinance and I smarted off to him that I didn't have to in an email if the interest rate was too high to afford and now I may go to jail over it.

The world is so messed up sometimes.

I am on the board of a non-profit organization that helps victims of domestic violence. We have an art therapy program for children that is wonderful.

A woman said that you can go to jail for writing a bad check but if you beat your wife it is a misdemeanor.

I got a ticket of $150 some odd dollars for my dog barking a few years ago. A bench warrant was out for my arrest when I forgot my court date. I am such a rebel. Whatever.

Life is unfair, certainly.

My friend Maria died of cancer. A beautiful woman, God fearing, husband and children loving, beautiful artist and friend. Not fair.

Well I suppose we can shout not fair all day long like a little child, or we can find a way to balance the world with fairness where we do have control and find the love in our hearts to make people smile and feel that love.

Hmm....

My now exboyfriend brought me a chocolate bar for my birthday, after he forgot my birthday. I wanted him to tell me that he loves me. But he wouldn't. I guess he felt he could reap the benefits of my love and not love me. I guess I gave him more credit than he deserved or I wouldn't have loved him so.

Chocolate is a poor substitute for love.

We are once again apart and this time for good as I've taken enough emotional abuse for a lifetime. It is subtle emotional abuse, you know, like finding out after you have given of yourself body and soul; served someone hand and foot in a relationship and you find out on your birthday he doesn't love you...And its not fair.... but it's life and I will find a way to rebound with some dignity.

I do have dignity, but it may appear I don't because I am a soulful person, and that will never change. I will hold you accountable for hurting me by telling you my feelings while searching my heart, hoping you will hear me and learn to be more kind next time to whoever next time. You might not hear me but still I'll be ok because that is how I learn about life and heal. I share my feelings, I acknowledge them and try to put them where they belong. My problem is I want to believe in those I've chosen to love, I want to believe the best in them. When I'm done sharing and I'm all cried out, it is then I have a chocolate bar,

just cuz chocolate tastes good. But it isn't love.

Think I'll read "The Shack"....

On Writing....

Today I have been thinking, feeling, running away from embarrassment of sharing too much in my writing.

What is writing anyway? Communication. Yes, it's communication, sharing your thoughts on paper for someone to see and read, to share in your feelings.

Why do I do this? It's suppose to be healthy for one thing. But is it healthy when I do it so much? I have to ask myself what the hell am I doing?

My boyfriend and I had another break-up. This time it was worse. It seems to get worse each time.

I am one to dream and hope and believe the best in someone.

I tend to attract someone who takes advantage of these things in me.

I always seem to fall in the same trap, hoping, believing.

Well, to get back to writing, yesterday I wrote him 7 times, I think. Just one page emails, all my feelings I have poured in phone calls, texts, and emails. I think I'm empty now. Was that my goal?

My goal was to communicate to avoid misunderstandings, to build or save something between us, to give what was left of me and try to feel better.

It leaves me today feeling conflicted about me. I am hurt, yes, but I am even more embarrassed.

Why would I share so much of myself with someone who doesn't even care?

I guess I didn't know he didn't care, I thought he might not. The signs are there, but he kept me confused.

Today I am just floating around, no make-up on, sunglasses most of the time on my acne filled face (stress related). I feel ugly and yet I feel beautiful.

I did all I could. I was brave and shared my heart. Yes, in the end he didn't care, but in the end I learned something more about myself.

I am me. Plain and simple.

I didn't walk on this earth for 46 years to learn nothing. So, I fall in the same hole sometimes, but each tiime I take something out of that hole, a little treasure buried there to hold in my heart. A treasure that says I am not a quitter. A treasure that says life is beautiful, even in the shitty times....

A New Day!!!

Today I woke up madder than mad and sadder than sad, but I smiled when I remembered someone who wants to know me. I like him, if nothing else he will be my new friend.

The sun is shining, it looks deceptive. When I put my hands on the window I felt the cold winter air, still playing with me. I wish it would go home and Spring would get here.

My exboyfriend is at the beach in San Diego today. I do miss the beach. I was suppose to go with him but opted out because, of well, just because there was no magic and I do so love magic when I go to the beach! Either that or I want to be alone there.

I remember one time I went to the beach back in 1988. I was depressed then too, over a guy. But the sun shining down on my body while I lay in the wet summer sand just bathed me in hope and peace. I love watching the gulls fly circles around the sun and how the waters sparkle like diamonds, the smells of the salty sea air and the sounds, I do love the sounds of waves and gulls talking and faint radios from other sunbathers, children laughing and then the waves again, the sounds of the ocean. Oh! how I wish I lived on the beach. How I wish I were 20 again and starting over.

The lottery is up to 170 million. What I could do with that kinda money. I would definitely live on the beach....

On Selfishness....

Probably if I were to be honest I can admit that selfishness grips me at times; however, as I grow older I try hard to think of others needs first and at times I succeed in not only becoming a better person but having this feeling of accomplishment and joy at giving. But is that selfish? Probably. Truth is we all have needs and we all want to be loved and cared for.

That being said, I have been in a relationship now off and on for a year that doesn't meet my needs. What are my needs?

1. To be loved.

If you are loved then all the other things that you think you need either are met or fall by the wayside as unimportant. I say this because I believe when a person loves you they want to do right by you and will do their best to do so.

But there are times when things keep getting more distant and you find yourself alone in a relationship where you keep hoping and giving and they keep taking and withdrawing into themselves and you are left feeling used and frustrated.

I am at that point.

I hope this is the last time I write about this relationship. I hope today when I go to church I can ask God for a fresh start. I felt like I loved this guy more than God because I sinned against God in keeping him happy with me time and time again. He never really met any of my needs. He did bring me a chocolate bar once. I do love chocolate bars....